Pun Salad

Daylight Saving Time starts today! We are doing things a bit different this year! Instead of an abrupt one-hour change in the middle of the night, please set your clocks ahead by 30 seconds each day, for the next 120 days. Then, starting on July 6. 2026, do the reverse, setting your clocks back 30 seconds per day for another 120 days, returning you safely and gently to standard time.

This more gradual adjustment should fix the well-documented health problems associated with sudden time shifts.

In addition, I am ordering the following changes to reality:

• Gasoline mileage, measured in miles per gallon, could be better! So, effective today, the "statute mile" will be redefined to be 4752 feet, a 10% decrease from the previous (arbitrary!) value of 5280.

• Also, for the same reason, the US customary "gallon" will be increased in volume by 10%.

• To combat American obesity, the avoirdupois "pound" will now also increase in value by 25%. If you were a chubby 270 pounds yesterday, this will immediately bring you down to a more-manageable 216! Instant diet!

• On a related note, on the advice of Health and Human Services Director Robert F. Kennedy Jr, the official caloric content of beef tallow is now zero.

• But the previously-available Butter Pecan Swirl with skim milk and the Caramel Creme Frozen Coffees have been classified as Weapons of Mass Destruction, and drones have been deployed to intercept delivery trucks containing their ingredients before they can reach your local Dunkin'. Warning to domestic terrorists: do not interfere!

• All temperatures in excess of 85° Fahrenheit will now be defined to be… um… exactly 85° Fahrenheit. Global warming solved at last!

• Nathan Filion's TV show The Rookie will be revealed to be a long-running hallucination in the mind of Captain Mal Reynolds, arranged by a sinister cabal of Alliance agents. The series will be renamed Firefly, and will resume normally in September 2026. The Executive Producers will be Larry Ellison and Bari Weiss.

Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP