News of the Present and Near Future

January 7, 2008

MANCHESTER, N.H. — Sen. John Sununu may get a good word from the Bloomberg News service. During the weekend he saved the agency's executive editor with the Heimlich maneuver.

A piece of chicken got stuck in journalist Al Hunt's windpipe Friday night at a Manchester restaurant. Sununu jumped up, put his arms around Hunt and popped the chicken out with the maneuver.

Hunt and Sununu were sitting next to each other at the Hanover Street Chop House in downtown Manchester.

January 12, 2008

DERRY, N.H. — Ex-New Hampshire Governor Jeanne Shaheen may receive unusually favorable coverage from the local television station, WMUR, after saving reporter Kria Sakakeeny and her family from an early-morning blaze at their home in Derry.

Governor Shaheen was driving by the home at approximately 2am Friday morning, and noticed flames and smoke coming from one of the home's first floor windows. While calling the Derry Fire Department on her cell phone, she rushed into the home to rouse the sleeping inhabitants.

"We barely made it out in time," said Sakakeeny. "Governor Shaheen also managed to save our two cats, and our gerbil, George." The family and their pets watched from across the street with Shaheen as their house was destroyed.

Governor Shaheen is currently running for the U.S. Senate seat held by John Sununu.

January 20, 2008

WOLFEBORO, N. H. — Sen. John Sununu defused a possible hostage situation at a TD Banknorth branch on Saturday morning, possibly saving the lives of approximately 14 customers and 5 bank employees.

According to the branch manager, Irving Bluecanoe, Senator Sununu was in line with other customers for a routine transaction when two men entered with ski masks over their faces, waving automatic pistols. Bluecanoe immediately triggered the silent alarm to summon police, but was then ordered to lie down on the floor with the other customers and employees as the alleged robbers proceeded to empty the vault and tellers' cash drawers.

When police arrived outside, the alleged robbers became agitated, threatening "to blow everyone away," Bluecanoe said. But Sununu took advantage of the confusion to quickly overpower one alleged robber, disarming him. As the second gunman attempted to use bank teller Melanie Onomatopoeia as a human sheild, Sununu shot him in the thigh, disabling him; Ms. Onomatopoeia then confiscated the weapon.

Police entered the bank shortly afterward, taking the two suspects into custody. They are expected to be arraigned later this week at the Carroll County Courthouse in Ossipee.

Senator Sununu is facing a tough election challenge later this year from ex-Governor Jeanne Shaheen. According to Onomatopoeia, "He's got my vote!"

January 25, 2008

FRANKLIN, N. H. — Tragedy was narrowly averted yesterday as ex-Governor Jeanne Shaheen brought a runaway schoolbus under control, almost certainly saving the lives of 26 pupils attending the Paul Smith School in Franklin.

The bus driver, Otto Mann, lapsed into a semi-conscious state while driving down a hilly back road approximately 5 miles west of town around 7:30am. Governor Shaheen and her husband, Billy, noticed the bus veering erratically, barely averting collisions with vehicles and trees.

"We noticed the kids crying and screaming at the windows," Mr. Shaheen said afterwards. "I mean, more than usual."

At the ex-Governor's direction, Mr. Shaheen maneuvered their vehicle next to the school bus, matching its speed of approximately 35 MPH. Ms. Shaheen then climbed out of her passenger-side window, and waved for one of the students, 6-year-old Kristin Abboud, to open one of the bus's windows. Ms. Shaheen then jumped the intervening space between the vehicles, climbed through the moving bus's window, removed Mr. Mann from the driver's seat, and brought the bus under control. She arrived at the Paul Smith School a few minutes later, after leading the children in a few calming verses of "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round".

Also saved from almost certain death: five chocolate lab puppies that Ms. Abboud was bringing to school for show-and-tell.

Said Ms. Abboud: "I'm going to tell Mommy and Daddy to vote for Jeanne!" Governor Shaheen is currently running for the U.S. Senate seat held by John Sununu.

Otto Mann was arraigned later yesterday at the Merrimack County Courthouse in Concord for posession of a controlled substance and reckless driving charges. He was unavailable for comment.

January 30, 2008

SEABROOK, N. H. — An apparent attempt by an group of alleged international terrorists to take over Seabrook Station's nuclear power plant was averted yesterday, primarily due to the quick thinking and effective action of U. S. Senator John Sununu.

Sununu was on a routine VIP tour of the plant with press and other public officials. As the tour group approached the plant's main control room, Sununu noticed that some press members of the group were acting "edgy" and handling their video equipment in an unusual manner.

When Sununu confronted the apparent "leader" of the group, the members quickly dropped their charade, drawing weapons hidden in their counterfeit video equipment and engaging in a firefight with plant security personnel, killing three and wounding one.

Sununu realized that the group had to be stopped from reaching the plant's control room at all costs. He regrouped the surviving security personnel, and devised a plan to defend the control room.

"He totally took charge," said Dudley D. Wright, one of the surviving guards. "One of the new guys, Lester, was cowering in the corner. Sununu slapped him and told him to 'man up.' Lester was all right after that, until he got shot later."

Things were looking grim, until Sununu improvised an ingenious booby trap involving release of highly radioactive steam into the alleged terrorist band as they made their final assault. The situation was brought under control shortly before the arrival of the state anti-terrorist unit.

The severely burned and radioactive surviving terrorists are expected to be arraigned today in Rockingham County Courthouse in Brentwood.

It is not known what the group's plans were, had they succeeded in gaining control of the plant. But a search of their vehicles revealed DVDs of The China Syndrome and K19: The Widowmaker, both which contained plot elements of nuclear reactor meltdowns.

Senator Sununu is facing a tough election challenge later this year from ex-Governor Jeanne Shaheen.

February 5, 2008

LEBANON, N. H. — An invasion of earth by hostile extraterrestrial aliens was defeated yesterday, thanks mostly to the impromptu efforts of New Hampshire ex-Governor Jeanne Shaheen.

The aliens' battlecraft entered the atmosphere somewhere north of Montreal, Quebec, which is in Canada, a country north of the United States. Leaving a trail of death and destruction in its wake, the craft was apparently on a course for the major U. S. metropolitan centers of Washington, New York, Boston, and Peterborough NH. Efforts by US Air Force F-22 and F-117A fighters to stop the alien ship were apparently easily thwarted by the extraterrestrial's superior technology. Local residents reported hearing mocking alien laughter on their radios as the Air Force fighters were destroyed in spectacular explosions.

Governor Shaheen, making a campaign stop in Lebanon, requested to be driven to the Lebanon Municipal Airport. There, she commandeered a Cessna 172 aircraft and quickly took off on an intercept course for the alien vessel.

Reports indicate that Shaheen's initial plans were to ram the alien ship, perhaps inflicting fatal damage. Instead, she decided to land her Cessna on top of the huge ship. Observers listening to her plucky chatter on their aviation-band radios heard her remark, "This should be pretty much the same as it is in Microsoft Flight Simulator." Shaheen then climbed out of her plane, found an unlocked access hatch to the interior of the craft, surprised the aliens in their ship's control room, and forced the ship to land back at the Lebanon airstrip.

"I guess the aliens weren't expecting that kind of attack," said Shaheen's husband, Billy, in a post-invasion interview. "My wife is not particularly big or strong, but it turned out that, without their weapons, the aliens were no match for her. She took some Tae Kwon Do classes a few years ago."

Scientists at nearby Dartmouth College eagerly examined the craft for the secrets of the alien technology. Said Professor J. Michael Collins, "I think we've figured out their warp drive. Turns out it's not that tough."

The surviving aliens will be arraigned later today at the Grafton County Courthouse in North Haverhill.

Governor Shaheen is currently running for the U.S. Senate seat held by John Sununu.

February 10, 2008

WASHINGTON, D. C. — Senator John Sununu today announced his resignation from the United States Senate. His letter of resignation was tersely worded: "I give up." There was speculation on his motives, but no authoritative further information.

New Hampshire Governor John Lynch is expected to name ex-Governor Jeanne Shaheen to fill out the remainder of Sununu's term later today. She is currently running for that seat.