DURHAM NH, March 1, 2008 — The University of New Hampshire today announced suspension of its operations until further notice.
The announcement, issued from Fort Myers, Florida, by Vice President for Finance and Administrative Affairs Dick "Boom Boom" Cannon, claimed that the entire school had fallen victim to an epidemic of Seasonal Affective Disorder, commonly known as SAD.
Reached for further comment, Cannon said that he just couldn't ask anyone to put up further with the apparently endless snowstorms that have socked the state for months.
"Really," said Cannon. "It was nice to have a white Christmas. But, hey, it's March. This is ridiculous. I'm not coming back until there are crocuses blooming outside my office. I set up a webcam to monitor the situation before I left. I'll let you know."
"I saw a USA Today story yesterday about how New Hampshire was 'two good snowstorms away from having the snowiest winter on record.' That's [expletive] insane. Nobody should be asked to put up with that [situation]," added Cannon. "I took off for the south, as any person wishing to maintain their sanity should."
Asked about how the students would make up their classes, Cannon minimized the impact. "Most of the stuff that goes on in our classes is [nonsense] anyway. Sure, some kids might miss hearing about the Schrodinger equation in Physics 701. But, frankly, they can look up that [material] in Wikipedia. Finals aren't until May, sometime, I think."
Cannon then cut off further questions, as he was leaving to watch a Red Sox exhibition game against the Minnesota Twins. "It's 78 degrees and sunny, suckers," he claimed. "I'm wearing shorts."
Efforts to reach UNH President Mark Huddleston failed, as he was travelling in Costa Rica.