Pun Salad

[Senator Mike] Lee says: “The No. 1 buyer of exports subsidized by Ex-Im between 2007 and 2013 was Pemex . . . the notoriously corrupt petroleum company owned by the Mexican government. Pemex, which has a market cap of $416 billion, received more than $7 billion in loans backed by U.S. taxpayers. . . . During the same period, Ex-Im backed $3.4 billion in financing to Emirates Airlines — a company wholly owned by the government of Dubai — for Emirates’ purchase of Boeing planes.” Sen. Patrick J. Toomey (R-Pa.) identifies the second- through-fifth-biggest beneficiaries of Ex-Im subsidies: (2) state-owned Kenya Airways, (3) state-owned Air China, (4) Russia’s state-owned bank VEB (currently under U.S. sanctions for bad behavior; two hands of the U.S. government, one caressing, one smiting), (5) Roy Hill mining, owned by Australia’s richest woman, a multibillionaire.

Trump’s humor is largely dependent on the shock value of him saying things unbecoming of a U.S. president. Or, for that matter, a normal, well-adjusted adult. His sick burns are obvious, often juvenile nicknames he gives to people who are clearly renting space in his head: “Sleepy Joe,” “Crooked Hillary,” “Crazy Bernie,” “Pocahontas,” “Lyin’ Ted.” Over the weekend, he dubbed Pete Buttigieg “Alfred E. Neuman,” which does nothing but remind people how very old the president is.

And as for Trump’s non-insult laugh lines, most of them elicit more applause than actual laughter—they’re much closer to the conservative version of clapter. And the lines that aren’t call-outs to his fans are only funny in the sense of being out of place in what’s supposed to be a semi-serious setting. Kind of like when a speaker at an insurance conference can turn into Jerry Seinfeld by making a joke about how he found out his “umbrella” insurance policy only covered being stabbed by an actual umbrella.

Get it? UMBRELLA!

Uh oh. We're in trouble. The "Mexican Blood Flu" is upon us. I've never heard of it but it sure sounds nasty.

Rumors of a superbug virus that kills 70% of the seniors (55+) who become infected are flying around the internet via emails and a Facebook Page which is hosted a group called Wake Up America and Stand United. The group maintains that the bug has managed to cross the border from Mexico into the US.  And, damn, look at some of these claims...

An extremely lethal, infectious virus that’s set to EXPLODE among America’s seniors in 2019.

It can spread at the rate of one person per second, killing 7 in 10 victims…

It’s fully airborne, spread by a simple cough or sneeze…

Whether the voice of Pauly D does it for you or you’re more of a Mark Wahlberg fan, it’s true to say that some accents are saucier than others.

America is uniquely diverse when it comes to dialects, with the country’s vast history of immigrants influencing how people talk from coast to coast.

Following on from sample survey results of our 1.5million social audience, we have the official ranking of the sexiest – and least sexy – accents in the USA.

We would have finished higher but the criteria didn’t include things at which we clearly excel: best place to speak knowingly about lutefisk even though you’ve never had it. Top place to consider telling Marge she put a bit too much pepper in the hot dish. Best state that has a pointy end that jabs into Canada’s white, soft underbelly. Best state that looks like it’s sitting on Iowa, which is literally bulging on the side because we’ve put on a few pounds. It was a long winter. We’ve been meaning to hit the gym.

When he visits New Hampshire, where the state motto is ‘live free or die’ I hope Mayor de Blasio will touch on the red tape and over-regulation he’s created in New York City, not to mention, the high taxes that are driving businesses and people to low tax cities and states. I hope Democrat voters will visit New York City, ride our failing subways, visit our failing schools and ask our vanishing middle class about the real record of Bill de Blasio as mayor; the effect will be chilling.